Being Catholic and Mental

This will really sound weird to you.

You see, I tend to be negative, I’m a bit unbalanced upstairs, I’m a survivor of two suicide attempts, and… here’s where it gets weird… I’m also a practicing Catholic.

How is that possible, you ask?  I have no idea.

I used to practice Wicca, then I got into Zen meditation, and then I found my way home and ended up in the Church.

Oh, and I’m also a fourth-degree member of the Knights of Columbus.

So… Anyway, here are some examples of my thinking.  I usually see this:

virgin-mary-0401

But sometimes I see this instead:

demon_woman_by_lordplegeus-d523xjh

I know, I know.  That’s pretty messed up.  So why am I even posting these images?  I thought you were a Catholic?

Well, I guess I’m still struggling with mastering my mind, to paraphrase St. Paul.

In case you’re wondering, I try not to have lustful thoughts or commit sins of impurity.  Sometimes I fall, though, and it torments the hell out of me.  I go to confession and am forgiven, though.  Thank goodness for the Sacraments.

So, doesn’t the above photo cause me to lust or go to a dark place in my mind?  Well, I’m getting a better grasp on my problem.  For example, I can look at the above image and the one below and be okay.  However, that’s like running with scissors: pretty soon I’m bound to get injured.

Let’s move on.

Usually I think of this:

nuns

But sometimes my mind goes here:

fear nuns

One reason I started this blog was to be open about the strange stuff that goes on in my mind.  I originally started a version of this blog that was on the negative side (i.e. more graphic images and descriptions of the demons that torment me; potty-mouth words and phrases), but then I started thinking: What is the purpose of it all?  I made myself fall into sin by the very things that I was posting about!

God was nagging me from the beginning of this blog idea, however.  You know how we tend to ignore Him when He wants us to change and listen to Him?  Well, I was bound and determined to do my blog MY way — forget the fact that it was harming me and putting false notions of the Church in people’s minds.

So I listened to God.  I prayed, and, with advice from my psychiatrist, I decided to listen to the Holy Spirit and turn this blog into something positive (and PG rated!).  And before I realized what was happening, God had given me a ministry.

We’ll see where all of this goes.  All I am going to do is keep blogging about my faith and experiences with my mental health, and the Lord will direct the way for me.  Most important, I will be receptive to His voice.

~topaz

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About Topaz

I'm a college teacher, writer, and faithful Catholic. I do my best to juggle all of these while dealing with my mental illness -- a constant thorn in my flesh. View all posts by Topaz

2 responses to “Being Catholic and Mental

  • debbie

    hi take your meds at night and then the sleepiness is when your sleeping and youll function better during the day. works for me

    • Topaz

      Thanks for the tip. I’ll give it a try.

      One of my meds is Trazodone which my doctor substituted for Xanax (because Trazodone isn’t a benzo). That stuff really kills me the next day. My doctor tells me to adjust my own dosage until I get it right. I’m like, “Umm, shouldn’t YOU be doing that for me??” :/

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