Well, as you know from the title of my blog and from previous posts, I suffer from various mental issues. Looking back at the blog post from yesterday, I’m like, “Did I write that?” It seems so polished and… encouraging. I’m not saying that I faked it or anything, but I’m not typically a motivating person.
My brain is in a constant fog due to my meds. I also think it’s a long-term effect from last summer when I attempted to end my life (the first of two attempts that season). I hit rock bottom — actually, the bottom fell out and I fell down even further. I didn’t expect to mention this so soon on my blog, but what the heck. Due to various problems and things that I was dealing with at the time and things that had been building up, one event triggered me to attempt suicide. I drank about five margaritas, each with extra tequila shots. I then stumbled to my car and swallowed a full bottle of Xanax — about 40 milligrams.
By the grace of God, I survived and suffer no physical repercussions to this day; however, I really think that the experience left me with a permanently clouded mind. Even at times when I don’t take Xanax or my other meds, I still suffer from incoherency and mental aloofness (as my wife says, it could just be due to my being a male).
For the past couple months, my lower lip has been feeling numb to the point where it’s sometimes difficult to talk clearly, and there is a constant ringing in my ears. (Which reminds me: I need to tell my doctor.) Even if these are a result of my suicide attempts, I try to keep a positive attitude because it could have been A LOT worse.
You’re probably thinking, All that tequila and 40 mg of Xanax? And you’re still alive?! You must be fat as hell! Actually, I’m quite tall, and my weight is proportionate to my height. I believe, though, that God wanted me to remain alive to carry out His plan in me. Why else would I still be on earth, typing out these coherent thoughts?
Anyway, I’m up and down. Today happens to be a down day for me. I am teaching a morning class during my college’s first summer session, and my mood was so bad this morning, and I felt so destructive and enraged that I almost cancelled my class. All I can say is thank goodness for medication.
What made me feel destructive and enraged? Last night I got tired of all the liberal crap that my “friends” (Ha ha. Right.) on Facebook were posting. I am very shy, quiet, and introverted. I am not affiliated with any one political party; it depends on the issue. However, I am pro-life and support other “conservative” issues.
Speaking of being conservative, I was pretty much “in the closet” about my political views up until yesterday. I reached that breaking point, though, and felt the time was right to rant — which is something I never do on Facebook (I try to be as professional and benign as possible since I’m an educator).
After ranting against a “friend” who always posts pro-abortion propaganda, I lost it (my temper, that is). I confronted him, and…
The ultra-liberal New Yorker backed off by stating: “I’m not getting into a debate. You have your beliefs, and I have mine.”
Damn. Talk about feeling like a jerk.
The Holy Spirit whispered to me and said, Topaz, you should have been the one to be cool and let it go. Why couldn’t I do that?! I was so angry at myself! He is the baby-killing atheist, and I’m supposed to be the practicing Catholic who is also a fourth-degree Sir Knight. WTF? (Sorry to any Evangelicals reading this — we Catholics throw around potty-mouth words sometimes. At least I didn’t spell out WTF.)
When I get angry, it’s pretty bad. I feel like a monster is inside me, and I’m terrified that it will burst out. I know how David Banner feels when he’s about to turn into The Incredible Hulk. Not a good feeling at all.
Yesterday I felt like I was playing the part of Super Christian. Today, I am the polar opposite.
Welcome to my mind!