Into the Abyss

Credit: Eddi van W.

hello Scott:

 

i would like to go, but i really have to leave after work today.  sorry.   😦

 

maybe another day

Well, I’ve told you nearly everything about my suicide attempt almost a year ago (August 24 to be exact) and the aftermath: the psych wards, doctors, therapists, meds, second attempt, etc.

But there are some details that I’ve hesitated to reveal. Details that I thought were too personal, too embarrassing to me. Things that, if you knew about them, would make me look bad, like some kind of jerk — or hypocrite.

Maybe it has more to do with that H word. I’ve mentioned in a previous post that I’ve been a Catholic for three years, blah, blah, blah.

I’m sure you’re wondering by now why I began this post with a cryptic note. It’s actually an email from my work account that I received at 2:22pm on August 24, 2012.

The evening of my attempt.

The above email message was from a single female colleague of mine. Needless to say, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was in response to my asking her out. I thought I had deleted it, but, in the process of cleaning out my inbox recently, I ran across it and froze as all of those terrible memories came rushing back at me.

There may be people reading this, religious or otherwise, who will judge me. I can’t help that. It was one of the lowest points in my life. Nothing was going well: my marriage, job, finances, and so on. The future was obscured by dark storm clouds that weren’t going anywhere.

This lady, I’ll refer to her as Maria, had just started working in our department. She was a single mom, attractive, and very intelligent. I fell for her. Plain and simple. She seemed to show interest in me, and we started having lunch together in the break room. Every day we were around each other due to the close proximity of our offices, and each day I walked deeper and deeper into a fantasy world: I no longer thought clearly. I withdrew from my family, and all my thoughts were about Maria.

I even had entire therapy sessions that were about her. I told my therapist that I was ready for a divorce and that I didn’t mind not seeing my sons regularly because I would have two stepdaughters instead. I feel so ashamed right now while typing all this.

My therapist yelled, screamed, and threatened me to stay away from Maria. He told me I was becoming unattached from reality. I replied that I had finally found someone who I was compatible with. He couldn’t reach me.

Maria and I had lunch twice off campus during our lunch break. We talked about her two grown daughters and she proceeded to inform me about her nasty divorce years ago. (The only physical contact we ever had, though, was when we hugged on her last day of work before taking a summer break.) I thought it was only fair to tell her that I was married since my wife and I don’t wear our wedding rings anymore. She seemed completely taken by surprise, and then things went downhill from that day on.

She kept a distance, and the only emails we exchanged were business-related; no more smiley faces and cute little greetings. Anxiety overtook my whole body, and I was going insane from the panic of everything falling apart.

What would I do? Maria was my last hope. My depression became so intense that I refused to get out of bed on several occasions during the week, missing more and more days of work. I didn’t care. Nothing mattered anymore, and I just wanted all the pain to end.

When I did go to work, I searched frantically for any signs that Maria might still have an interest in me. What I had perceived as flirting only turned out to be wishful thinking. In no way did I want to face the truth, but my fantasy world that I created was crumbling all around me, and I was devastated.

That email was my last-ditch effort. I was already at the edge of madness, and the above reply that I received was the final shove that pushed me into the abyss.

You can read more about my suicide attempt later that evening in this post.

I am still here today by the grace of God. Apparently it just wasn’t my time. I like to believe that I was spared in order to give my testimony to help others who may be in the same situation.

Since late last year, I have rededicated myself to God and am free from being emotionally wrapped up in bad situations. My eyes have been opened. I’m human and am still tempted by sin of course, but I pray daily that I will never be blinded again.

~t

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About Topaz

I'm a college teacher, writer, and faithful Catholic. I do my best to juggle all of these while dealing with my mental illness -- a constant thorn in my flesh. View all posts by Topaz

11 responses to “Into the Abyss

  • Pilgrim Jet

    🙂

    We all falter, we all make wrong choices and we all commit sin. BUT what’s more important is, we repent, make amends and really try to the best of our abilities to avoid sin again.

    Our dear Father, just like the prodigal son story, always longs to be reunited with us. Even how sinful we are, how unworthy we feel, HE doesn’t see it that way.

    Bottom line is, GOD LOVE’S US no matter what. He knows what’s in our heart and he knows that we are sorry for our sins. He will comfort us and love us to the very end (of course, if we just let Him).

    Praying for your more “happy sunshine” in your life!

    Your sis,
    Jet

  • Pilgrim Jet

    sorry for the flooding. please just edit this if you want.

    But I forgot to mention that, I do not judge you of anything. Instead, I commend you for really trying your best to struggle for the greater good. I feel your repentant heart and I know God will be with you. Please continue to have faith and believe!

  • Food For The Journey

    Most of us can relate to being tortured by attractions and obsessions that will end up as unrequited love in our lives. I am at that very place in mine. We will always search and search and search for something more than what we have. No one in their right mind (or wrong mind for that matter) will judge you for what you have done. There is only one Judge and He created a human body for Himself so that He could be judged on our behalf. He has felt the temptations we have felt. But somehow we insist on beating ourselves up as thought this will appease God’s wrath when we disappoint Him and others. Repentance is acknowledgement of our sin and an act of turning from it. But we must never try to take God’s place in deciding which of our sins He can forgive and which of those He will not. They are gone! Every last one of them! And He didn’t need our help in eradicating them. Rest, and be at peace, my friend. Your life is more valuable than you know.

  • Food For The Journey

    I am learning that even unrequited love can be survived by turning my focus back where it belongs. I think sometimes I am attracted to other people because I am attracted to Christ in them. But my attention becomes sinful when I begin to worship the physical image of the person and value their words and their comfort over that which is mine in the invisible but very real Holy Spirit. I have so far to go in my walk with Christ. I value people like you, Topaz, because I know we are on this journey together and in the end, we will meet and see our Jesus face-to-face! In the meantime, thank you for your prayers! I am also praying for you!

    • Topaz

      So true. In the past, I found it difficult to get my focus back on Christ. I remember the strenuous process and agony of cutting myself loose from individuals whom I was attracted to. Back then I would get so sad and upset that I’d stop being a Christian altogether which was pretty immature.

      I’m so glad that we can help each other on this journey of ours! I am really encouraged to have a friend who I can relate to.

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