Everything is Meaningless

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I’m sitting here in my home office surrounded by a Catholic calendar, a crucifix, and various prayer cards featuring great saints through the ages. Knights of Columbus plaques line my walls.

My two beautiful, healthy sons are asleep in their bunkbeds. My loving wife has just gone to bed.

But I don’t feel anything.

I am empty, confused, angry, suicidal, dejected.

You can have all the Bibles, crosses, religious stuff, and everything else: the “NOTW” stickers that I see on the backs of so many cars, et cetera, but it is all meaningless.

Just like the wise teacher states again and again in Ecclesiastes.

Today I had to go outside to the far edge of my campus where I work because I had to get out of the building. I was on the verge of killing a student who had pissed me off with his smart-ass tendencies. (Sorry for the potty mouth — but it’s a big, bad world.)

I had to get away. There is a nature park on the grounds of my college campus. I sat there on a large rock and cursed at God the whole time. Cursed at him for the hand that I was dealt in life.

It takes EVERY OUNCE of my strenth and sanity EVERY DAY to “keep my head above water” in regard to my mental illness. Most other people hover above the water, floating around, singing and humming, enjoying life, enjoying work, enjoying being alive.

Not me. I curse God for giving me this depression/suicidal ideation/insecurity/anxiety/bipolar tendencies.

If you’re a nice church-going individual, I don’t expect you to be reading this far. Just take heart, you say. Have faith.

Ha.

If only it were that simple.

Last month, one of my favorite comedians of all time, Robin Williams, committed suicide due to depression. The nation mourned and paid tribute. Countless articles about depression and suicidal thoughts appeared on all sorts of blogs and news sites such as CNN, Huff Post, and Yahoo.

That’s all fine and great. But what about now? After the storm has blown over, people will just go back to forgetting about us. The articles will be fewer and fewer.

But know this: If you’re in the same boat as I am, I will never forget you. If you are reading this, whether you’re Catholic, atheist, whatever, I am with you in the crappy hand that life dealt to you before you were even born. I am at the poker table with you, crying and blubbering over the worthless hands of 2s and 3s that we’re holding.

Suicide hasn’t appealed to me as strongly in the past two years as it did today. A nice flowing river runs directly behind the nature park at school. I’ve read that drowning is an excruciating death. How bad could it be, though? Inhale a few breaths of water, keep my head underwater, and voila: freedom.

You’re a Catholic blogger, Topaz. Be more positive, some of you have told me.

It’s a cold, hard, motherf****r of a world, and right now, I’m being crapped on by laughing vultures.

same ol’, same ol’.

Hey, normal Christian/Catholic person out there, be glad that you’re “normal” (I’m not supposed to use the world “normal” because it’s relative. But I couldn’t give a s%@& right now.).

If you have time, pray for the poor bastards like us who have to talk ourselves out of suicide and dark depression before our feet even hit the floor after waking up every morning.

Remember us.

I’m out.

~t

(random photo by Topaz)

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About Topaz

I'm a college teacher, writer, and faithful Catholic. I do my best to juggle all of these while dealing with my mental illness -- a constant thorn in my flesh. View all posts by Topaz

13 responses to “Everything is Meaningless

  • Relax

    Is it possible that your job is too stressful on top of everything else?

    • Topaz

      Yes, absolutely. I’ve been trying to get another job. I actually received an offer, but because of my blasted DWI charge that showed up on my background check, I was dropped like a hot potato.

      • Relax

        Oh dear. I believe if it was 10 (or more) years ago, you can get it expunged from your record. Either way, I’ll help pray for a better job, at the very least.

      • Topaz

        Thank you.

        It has only been about two years. It happened as a result of my Xanax-and-tequila suicide attempt.

        Oh, the consequences…

  • Annaliese Maree

    Oh Topaz. My heart is in pain for you right now. If your past has told you anything, it has to be that you beat it yesterday, so you can do it again today. If you are feeling the way you are still when you wrote this two hours ago, please don’t be alone. Even if it is over the phone. Sending you my love and prayers ❤️❤️❤️❤️

    • Topaz

      Thank you! I really do appreciate your words of encouragement. I was hoping that a fresh new day would clear all the bad away, but it’s still with me. I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I don’t want to go to jail or hurt anyone. Thank you for your love and prayers.

  • Andrew

    you are absolutely right about Bibles, crosses and all religious staff, you can keep them under your pillow or up on your face and have theologian degree more then thermometer- nothing will change unless you will cry out for God and left behind all superstition! For sake of your family – do not deny the Only who can help you! You can curse Him, that doesn’t change His love towards you! be real!

    • Topaz

      I get your point. Thank you.

      However, it is a bit troubling that you consider crosses and the Bible as superstition.

      At any rate, I appreciate your encouraging words.

  • Jeffrey Meranto

    Hi, saw your post and thought you might like my Blog. I sincerely appreciate the words you’ve written here. Straight from your heart. I write about how I ended up in prison (Marijuana Poss.) after being somewhat successful in life. Seriously FUNNY. Come see. You are invited!

  • Asehpe

    If you can see beyond the written lines into the being at the other side, I hope you’ll accept a few words from me, too, even though I was right now defending porn (and blasphemy porn at that!) in another page of your blog.

    I know exactly how you feel, because I am afflicted/blessed with the same mental disorder. ‘Normals’ (there is that word again) sometimes think that mental diseases bring ‘depth’ or ‘soul’ or ‘meaning’ to one’s life. Hell, they make movies about people like that, not about normals!…

    They know NOTHING about how it feels.

    Hang in there. Please find it in yourself to continue to be faithful to what you believe in, and to live the life that you think is the best. Please accept the extra problems that were dealt you with some dignity and some understanding.

    Please! It is worthwhile. It is.

    At least for this little unknown atheist and blasphemy porn apologist, this little minion of Satan, who may perhaps also love you, even though he’s never seen you.

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