Suicide: An Option Again?


A lot has been happening, good and bad. I got a new job, my dream job I guess, in a sub-tropical city. You might tend to think that life is perfect for me.

Don’t envy me yet.

I ain’t makin’ the big bucks for nothin’. I’m constantly stressed and live every moment waiting for my next Xanax fix. I almost died of fright when the pharmacy wouldn’t refill it until exactly 30 days had passed. 

As I type, my recent dose is starting to wear off, revealing the terror that dwells beneath my skin: worry and degrading thoughts from work today. See, I’m still a teacher, but my students are not just any students. I can’t reveal too much, but I wonder if it’s too much for me to handle.

Going back to my thankless job in Dallas has never occurred to me; that’s a step backward that I cannot take.

Today I considered suicide as an option for the first time in a while. If I lose my “dream job,” I would have nowhere else to go. 

Would I sadden a lot of people? Yes. Would it be worth the trade? Yes, perhaps. 

I can’t believe I’m thinking all of this, especially after God gave me a second chance with a new, improved life. The thing is, though, I’m still me; my innermost being is still the same weak, decrepit soul that can’t seem to “man up” and face my obstacles.  

Jeez, I’m still a kid!

But I’m not. Not really. I’m in my mid-40s. 

God, I’m really just a scared kid! I want my mom and dad!

But they’re not here. My wife is sick of my crap. It’s just me. And God. But I have never learned to consistently love God and be close to Him.

Suicide is not an option.

But it is, kind of.

I’m not supposed to type that here. It might be a trigger for some people. I have to tell somebody, though.


(Photo by Topaz)

About Topaz

I'm a college teacher, writer, and faithful Catholic. I do my best to juggle all of these while dealing with my mental illness -- a constant thorn in my flesh. View all posts by Topaz

4 responses to “Suicide: An Option Again?

  • Leslie Hidley

    Don’t do it. And do considering withdrawing from Xanax. Under doctor’s care, slowly. And, for a spiritual lift, watch Prof. Mary Poplin on Youtube – she talks about what working with Mother Teresa did in her life. I swear, it’ll put a smile on your face! You are in my prayers.

  • momn3boys

    You will definitely be in my prayers! Just a thought (at the risk of sounding like some kind of control freak handing out unsolicited advice–forgive me if I come across that way), do you have a regular exercise routine? If so great, keep at it! 🙂 If not it might be something to consider. I’ve heard/read so many stories from people battling depression and anxiety who say that exercise (specifically running, but just about any type of exercise would do, I would think, especially outdoors) really helped them. Most importantly, have you told your wife? (Hopefully she reads your blog) Apologies again for sounding like a soapbox preacher! 🙂 Many blessings to you.

    • Topaz

      I appreciate your advice. No, I don’t have a regular routine. It’s pretty sporadic.

      My wife knows, but she’s from a different culture and considers me weak. I quit letting her know about my condition.

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