In Hell: My Dark Times

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It really sucks to be down in the dumps.

For the past several months, I haven’t had the desire to do anything; staying in bed all the time was the only thing that I wanted.

I am thawing though. The rock bottom was hit again, nearly putting me back in the hospital. One thing that my psychiatrist told me was that mental health inpatient facilities were “prisons where they can monitor those who are suicidal.”

He told me the same thing would be to stay home and get rid of any guns, sharp objects, and pills. I took his advice and decided that inpatient wasn’t a good choice.

Anyway, I was on lithium and one other drug that made me so jittery and paranoid that I couldn’t leave the house. Even after I quit using them, the effects were still in my system.

I was a recluse, afraid to do any activities with my family or to even go out of the house. Just the mere thought of going to the store frightened me. All of this was after I quit using those two medications by the way.

I even had to be put on light duty at work in a non-teaching capacity. That stressed out my supervisors because they didn’t know what to do with me. There was no way I could teach classes with my paranoia and feelings of claustrophobia.

I missed Mass several times and have only started going back. One time I went to church and, once I sat down in the pew, I had to get up and leave.

The bright side is that I’m scheduled to be back in the classroom next week. This is a major step for me. I feel that I’m ready, and I’m mentally preparing myself. My current meds are acting fairly well.

This has truly been a dark night of the soul for me. My only link to God was when I would lay in bed begging him to heal me.

Since then, I have started going to Mass again, reading the Bible, and reading devotionals. I am slowly but surely climbing out of my pit, and it’s so hard.

But I’m doing it.

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About Topaz

I'm a college teacher, writer, and faithful Catholic. I do my best to juggle all of these while dealing with my mental illness -- a constant thorn in my flesh. View all posts by Topaz

2 responses to “In Hell: My Dark Times

  • lonlon558

    You are battling your demons and you are winning the fight. Just getting into the church, even if you sat down only to get up and leave, is a win and something to be proud of. It sounds like you recognize that or you wouldn’t have posted it.

    Those of us who know depression all too well, we are on your side and you are not alone. I commend you for pushing through this, for remaining strong in your faith, and for asking God for the strength to get through this.

    We don’t ever know the reasons why God delivers these obstacles to us, but I know that they are granted to us for a reason. Perhaps to make us stronger, perhaps to help us help others when they go through the same thing.

    Keep up the good fight and realize that you are an inspiration to others to have come from the dark and be climbing back into the light. Good luck with your return to the classroom, I wish you all the best and pray for you to heal. Trust in yourself and trust in God.

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