
Galveston Island, TX
I felt the need to write. I have started several novels over the years, one chronicling my suicide attempts and hospitalizations. I just can’t seem to make myself sit down and write them. That’s the problem.
So I have this blog. I sit myself down right now to write, but I don’t really have anything encouraging to say. Ha. That is usually followed by what turns out to be an encouraging post.
I started this blog in hopes of offering positivity to those who suffer mental illness among other things. The Catholic part comes from my faith tradition, which I am trying like mad to hold onto. (Most days I’m a religious hypocrite.)
I wanted my very own ministry (‘apostolate’ in Catholic terms), but it turned out that I’m just as broken, sinful, and run-down as the people whom I wanted to encourage.
So, here I am talking about how miserable I am. I suppose I could give a lesson on what not to do.
As a father and husband, I use my own dad as an example of what not to do. See, he was a real prick during my childhood. The problem is, I’m turning into him, whether I like it or not.
OK, here’s what not to do. This week we took a family vacation to Houston, about a three-hour car trip. See, I have a decent job, but we’re not exactly rollin’ in dough. So we went to Houston because there are fun things there for our kids like NASA, the beach, The USS Texas battleship, etc., etc.
Our friends go to Hawaii. Spain. The Bahamas. We go to friggin’ Houston. But I digress.
I got angry several times and my wife and I fought. I’m sure it hurt out two children.
Now we’re back home. This evening I drove my two sons to their friend’s house for a sleepover. They had their little bags packed with all of their pool gear, swim wear, and change of clothes. On the drive there, I yelled at my youngest son for something really stupid. This was just before we arrived at their friend’s house. I didn’t apologize. I’m sure I hurt my son and put a damper on things.
Here it is, Friday night. My favorite day of the week. And I feel like crap. I’m fighting severe depression even though I took my meds for the evening. I feel guilt weighing me down like barbells on my shoulders.
On top of that, I’ve been stealing from my own mom. I use her credit card at will. She is retired by the way. She tells me to stop, but I don’t. My sister gets involved and texts me angrily. I take offense and delete her number. I even unfriend her from Facebook.
My life sucks now.
And now I sit here on this Friday night, pouring out my guilt and screw-ups on this blog. I could be partying (yeah, right) or enjoying a good movie. My wife is in her room, not to be bothered (ugh).
I decided to look through the Bible for passages about regret. I pored over lots of passages. One I found shows the nature of God (Genesis 6:6):
And the Lord was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and it grieved Him to His heart.
This shows that God experiences regret. I think of myself in this Genesis passage, and then I think that God has every right to strike me down and send me to hell where I belong.
Then I read this passage from 2 Corinthians 7:10:
For Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.
How do we get to the point of having Godly grief? I sure wish I knew. At least this is a compass setting for me. It’s something I can pray for, because I have no clue how to achieve it.
Tonight I cut up my mom’s credit card information. It’s a start, right? We have to start somewhere.
Baby steps. Hey, whatever it takes, my friend. Baby steps are alright.
Whatever is holding you down at this time, take baby steps to improve your situation. That’s what I’m doing.
Overeating? Eat a little less. Bad father? Give your kid a hug. Bad husband? Clean the kitchen. Missing too much work (like I am)? Take it one day at a time. I will be there Monday.
You get the idea.
Now, I’m going to go salvage the rest of my Friday night.
~t
July 20th, 2018 at 10:41 pm
Don’t write about your illness. Write about Your kitchen sink. Xxxooo
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July 21st, 2018 at 9:53 pm
Great idea.
July 21st, 2018 at 1:19 am
and start going to daily Mass!
July 21st, 2018 at 9:54 pm
I wish I could, but my work schedule doesn’t allow it.
July 22nd, 2018 at 6:17 pm
Keep going! Its the first part of the battle to know whats right and desire it…. now for the willpower part…. PRAYING FOR YOU!
Remember, everyone is fighting a battle, except the saints in heaven, who have finally conquered. Keep up the good fight, and forgive yourself and others when you miss the mark.
July 22nd, 2018 at 9:05 pm
Thank you my friend! I will keep fighting the good fight.
July 23rd, 2018 at 12:09 am
Please look up the work of Dr. Kelly Brogan on depression. Her book or her online program might really be eye-opening and helpful if you are up for something different. 🙂
I feel so thankful that you share your experience here. God’s blessings, from one broken soul to another.
July 23rd, 2018 at 8:34 pm
Thank you! You just made my day! God bless.
I will look up Dr. Brogan. Thanks.