I Want to Die

The older I get the more I realize that even if things do get better, it’s always temporary. The good days feel like a tease and a cruel joke because when the bad comes, it’s like it laser. It targets all those things to make sure I feel the maximum amount of pain.

People always give laughable examples of what could be my thing to fight for, but what is and isn’t worth it are very personal things to a soul. I need something to cling to that makes ME feel like I have a purpose.

For the last several years I had several things. They meant everything to me. One by one they all were taken. I don’t have it in me to start over again. Every few years I cycle through this. Just because it might be good again a few years from now doesn’t make it worth the suffering now.

Each and every time it gets harder. Each and every time I am more alone in the fight. And with the direction the world is heading now, I see only darkness and hopelessness for us all. I am amazed that so many people can just keep going on like things are fine. -Brona Storm

Friday, 11:57pm

About Topaz

I'm a college teacher, writer, and faithful Catholic. I do my best to juggle all of these while dealing with my mental illness -- a constant thorn in my flesh. View all posts by Topaz

2 responses to “I Want to Die

  • Jenny Mulhall

    Hello, I’m a long time reader of yours from Ireland. I know it’s hard. Please hang on. Your writing is important to me.

    I read ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ and the premise is, that one can live for others when one just can’t live for oneself and there’s something in that. Maybe it isn’t enough on very bad days but you must try.

    I wish you well. I hope to read something of yours again soon. Take care. X

    • Topaz

      Wow. You are a long-time reader? Thank you very much. That means a lot to me. With this pandemic, I feel myself spiraling out of control; it has affected my psyche. I had a good day today, though. Thank you for reading.

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