I’ve been having a hard time lately. My wife and I are to the point where we actually hate each other and are bringing up divorce. My faith is at an all-time low, and I have no friends to talk to.
We bought our dream home last year, and now it looks like we’ll have to sell it and get two apartments: one for me and one for her and the kids. I honestly can’t afford two apartments plus child support on my salary, so she will have to get a job before any of this happens.
I’ve been thinking about suicide again. I know I’d be able to see my sons anytime, but it wouldn’t be the same.
I’m not being recognized at my job no matter how hard I work…
Et cetera, et cetera.
So what did I do yesterday morning? I went to Mass. Every nerve in my body said No! Stay in bed and pout.
But I refused to listen.
I prayed on the way, God, please give me a jolt of the Holy Spirit and show me what to do about everything. My life is a mess. It’s too hard to go on.
I’ve asked God to show me certain things about myself during Mass, and he always has.
This time I was desperate. I was at the end of my rope. Actually I still am.
The first reading during Mass was God’s answer to my prayer. It was Isaiah 35:4-7:
Say to the fearful of heart:
Be strong, do not fear!
Here is your God,
he comes with vindication;
With divine recompense
he comes to save you.
Then the eyes of the blind shall see,
and the ears of the deaf be opened;
Then the lame shall leap like a stag,
and the mute tongue sing for joy.
For waters will burst forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the Arabah.
The burning sands will become pools,
and the thirsty ground, springs of water.
The first two lines spoke to my heart. My heart is full of fear. However, God says to be strong and not be afraid. He doesn’t say that He will do these things for me; rather, I need to make the decision to be strong and stop being afraid.
It gave me peace and hope. Later that day, my son was scheduled to sell popcorn for the Boy Scouts in front of a supermarket. I went with him, and we ended up having a good time.
Normally I hate Sundays because it’s like I’m just waiting around for Monday morning to come. But it was a good day.
Then at 8:00 last night my wife and I ended up fighting again.
I want to lie right now and say that I kept that Bible verse close to my heart for the rest of the day, but I really didn’t. I ended up forgetting about it.
But the good thing about God is that we can repent and believe again.
Then I went to work this morning to find out that I was passed over for a promotion for no apparent reason. So I forgot about the verse yet again.
But now I’m sharing it with you. Hopefully you’ll remember it.